Safety Briefing

Posted on Wed Sep 11th, 2019 @ 10:03pm by Master Chief Petty Officer Hans-Peter König
Edited on on Wed Oct 2nd, 2019 @ 6:26pm

Mission: If You Like Pina Coladas
Location: Conference Room

"I fucking hate shore leave," König muttered to himself as he settled into the head seat of the table in Astraea's conference room. He tapped the keypad in front of the seat, activating the conference room's viewscreen to make sure he was appropriately centered on the room's visual pickup. Shore leave is a time for the crew to unwind. However, A working crew had fewer opportunities to get in trouble than a crew on holiday. When the crew gets into trouble, it becomes the senior NCO's problem. With the crew rotating onto holiday, he was about to become stupidly busy.

The pre-leave safety briefing was supposed to reduce the number of incidents that König would have to deal with. In reality, it was just a set up for the many times the Chief would be saying "What the fuck did I say?" to the crewmen of Astraea with the poorest decision-making skills. Off-ship, the briefing would be given to the unit assembled in a single room. Aboard a starship, it was often impractical to do so (a commissioned starship always needed someone standing watch at every post) so the briefing was to be given over the ship's intercom.

The Chief checked the time on the viewscreen. He had about a minute before the scheduled broadcast. At this point, he would normally check his notes. König had lost count of how many safety briefs he had given over the course of his career, so he didn't need notes. Instead, he sat in the seat and stewed for the minute until the clock indicated it was time to start. He pressed another contact on the keypad. A long, low whistle note sounded throughout the ship followed by a shorter, higher note. It was a call as old as the wooden sailing ships of Earth. In basic training, König's TI had defined it as "Everybody shut the fuck up, the boss has something important to say." An icon on the viewscreen indicated that König's face was now being broadcast to every post aboard the ship.

"Attention all hands, this is your Chief of Boat," König began, "At this point, you should have received your watch schedules while we park above Meria for the next few weeks. Your schedules should also have indicated that when you aren't standing watch, you are authorized to disembark. Since I would like to enjoy my shore leave as well, I am here to remind you of the ground rules for appropriate and safe conduct.

"The planet Meira is a pleasure world. Like every pleasure world, it is full of whores, thieves, spies, conmen, and every other known type of scumbag. Don't be stupid. Maintain your situational awareness, don't go anywhere shady, and to the junior crewmen: no, that stripper does not love you and he or she does not want to marry you. If they do, it's a scam.

"Meira's population also has nearly every venereal disease known to the Federation. They are treatable, but--knowing it's pointless to discourage you from fucking like rabbits and since the doctor has better things to do than correct your dumbassery--I will remind you to use the appropriate precautions. And please, for the love of God, don't increase Meira's population. Paternity claims will be a headache for you and--more importantly--for me.

"And I swear to God: if hear that any of you window-lickers have managed to get a fertility goddess stuck in your anus, I will fucking bring Ragnarok.

"I hesitate to tell you that Starfleet Counter-Intelligence considers this a safe world so you are not required to travel in groups. I hesitate to tell you this because I just know that one of you fuckers are going to go off on your own, get yourself into a compromising position, and become a security risk for Astraea and the Federation. If you do fuck up and some criminal, terrorist, or agent of foreign intelligence manages to get dirt on you, you need to let ship's security know immediately. If you tell us, we can protect you. If the counter-intel guys find out first--and I assure you that they are very good at their jobs--it will go very poorly for you. Even if you haven't fucked up and you have a mild suspicion that you have been targeted by an agent of foreign intelligence, you need to tell us.

"Finally, don't get yourself thrown in jail. If you do get arrested and sent to jail, I advise that you establish dominance quickly as I'm not inclined to come bail you out.

"In summary, I don't want to see your hideous faces until after shore leave. Don't make me do paperwork. König out."

König tapped the control and the status on the viewscreen indicated that the intercom was now closed. He tapped one more time and the screen shut off.

"Let's see how much shore leave I can get before someone fucks up," König muttered to himself and started making his way back to his quarters to change.

==

MCPO Hans-Peter König
Chief of Boat
USS Astraea, NCC-80819